MrRex Sez – Another SEO Blog

Hurray! I’m finally done with this! Well, almost. At any rate, you won’t have to read about it any more. More correctly, you won’t have to read about this conference anymore.

6:30 rolls around and though I didn’t get as much sleep as I probably needed, I was ready to be done. Ready to be done with long walks to a conference center. Done with the smell of Seattle. And yes, believe it or not, done with the conference. Sure, it was fun. But instead of taking notes, looking at booths and trying to grab random bits of junk before a salesperson made eye contact and initiated the sales pitch sequence. I swear, they hated doing the talk as much as I hated listening to it. Or maybe they didn’t. I just wanted whatever cheap plasticky bit of whatever on their booth table. And they probably just wanted a phone number to follow-up on. If they didn’t get my card, was I technically stealing? To be honest, I didn’t care.

After checking out, we stepped out into the rain to make our long walk to the conference center with our luggage in tow. And again, I’m reminded of why I hate Seattle.

Arriving at the conference just minutes before looking like we belonged in a wet t-shirt contest, we checked out luggage and headed towards the breakfast area. The first session was already in progress – something about the Bid Management being dead. One of our contacts left after they showed a slide that said it wasn’t. Good enough. Though I felt better than I did the previous morning, I still felt the need to hydrate (as if a good long walk in the rain wasn’t enough). I knew the coffee tasted like shit, so I wasn’t even going there. I was sooooooo looking forward to my mornings of Yuban and a honey-oat granola bar.

After the first day of sessions, I have to admit I was feeling skeptical if this day was going to be better. Yeah, there was some good information, but you had to wait until the Q&A to get to it. I was done with waiting. I wanted answers, dammit! To what, I still don’t know. But if it was another bullshit session like the one about duplicate content, I was gonna’ be pissed. Super pissed.

Luckily, it wasn’t so bad. The first session was something about what to do after you get caught doing whatever “black hat” thing it was you were doing. Fortunately, I’m too inexperienced (read: ignorant) to ever have to worry about something like that. I wasn’t around during the dot com boom and bust and the heady days of gaming Lycos and Alta Vista. All I really remember was the Danny hating on paid search. I just kept thinking, “What the fuck?! It’s not like we’re the ones with the big brains putting on friggin’ SEO conferences that don’t have to worry about getting found. Piss off!” I also remember them making fun of that fucker Jason Cowinasses. Or Calicanis? Whatever. Either way he was that dick that was saying SEO folks are the scum of the earth swindler types. Whatever. All I know is the reps from Google, Yahoo!, Ask and MSN thought it was funny when the Danny did a search on mahalo.com and it had the spammiest SERPs of them all. Looks pretty easy to game at this point. But I gotta’ say, I sure as hell couldn’t build a search engine. I also gotta’ say I wouldn’t show my ass like that either. I think jP had to make two or three trips to the shitter. That’s why I stick with clear liquor. Oh, and Matt Cutts said something about Wyoming not being important.

After that we had lunch. Again, another fairly delightful meal, except for the fact there wasn’t hardly any seating. And that sucked.

The session after lunch was pretty good too. It was about doing things better than the way we were currently doing them. All I really took away from that one was that Todd Friesen and Greg Boser were really fucking cool.

The last session was the best of all. And of course I had to leave early to make sure I made it through lovely Seattle traffic to catch my flight on time and ensure I wasn’t stuck in this hell hole any longer.  This was the one session that would make my life as an SEO, and my practice of SEO, more effective and more inspired.  Or it was until Shari Thurow got up and basically told us she was smarter than the rest of us lazy assholes.  Maybe that’s not what she said, but that’s how I took.  Friggin’ smart people making us lazy assholes looking bad.  And then right as Bruce Clay got up to speak, I became very aware that I was needing to find a cab.  Dammit.   Just when things were getting good.  That also meant I didn’t get to listen to what Mr. Boser and Mr. Friesen had to say.  Shit.

When God closes a window, He opens a door.  Or something like that.  At any rate, I was sulking, standing outside the conference center with my luggage hoping a cab would stop.  I hate cabs.  They just always feel weird.  You get in this car with some guy who you can barely understand and you feel obligated to make small talk with though you know that neither of you have anything to say to one another.  He wishes you’d shut your big fat pie-hole and you wish you could understand what the hell he was saying.  Lucky for me, a cab never pulled up.  Instead, a shiny black Lincoln did.   And his fares were the same as the taxis’.

Killing time at SEATAC is pretty hard to do.  Though it’s bigger than Portland, the Horizon/Alaska terminal doesn’t have much to offer.  And I had about an hour to kill; an hour that would have been better spent listening to my new SEO heroes Boser and Friesen talk.  I just knew they telling everyone the holy grail to a good search engine optimization campaign.  And I was missing it.  I was also starting to feel like I needed a drink, which made sense since it was five o’clock.  I wandered the terminal, trying to decide if I wanted beer in some sort of busy-looking seat yourself cafe or to go and wait for a table at a place that probably offered a decent gin and tonic.  In the end I ended up with a burrito and a Coke.

“Why no booze?” you ask.  Was I trying to detox? Go cold turkey?  Had I actually had enough to drink?  Hell no.  Alaska Air gives complimentary beer and wine from the Northwest.  And there were giant bottles of Pyramid Hefe on that plane I was gonna’ board.

All in all, not a bad conference.

Sorry this is taking me forever to get down. Yeah, I should have blogged over the weekend and wrapped up the events from a week ago. But you know what? I’m not getting paid for this. And if you don’t like it, maybe next time YOU should get your ass on a plane and check it out for yourself. Alright?

Anyways, so jP and I headed back to the hotel. Him, in the hopes of finding socks or at least locating some on the way back to the Yahoo! mixer; me, in then dire need to take a super urgent shit. You know when your gut starts pushing and your ass starts sweating and you start walking funny? I was at that point. And I don’t know why I couldn’t bring myself to use the facilities at the conference. Besides, I really didn’t want to lug around and be responsible for my computer getting stolen.

After a super-poop and a freshen-up on the deodorant, I was ready to go. I met jP downstairs in the lobby and we started our sock search death march across Seattle. Another interesting thing about Seattle: stores are not open on Mondays (WTF Seattle? You wanting to turn into France or something?). We finally found a place that sold socks and was open ( apparenlty the holy grail of Monday shoppers). Hopeful, jP steps inside to check out their selection. Their selection started at $28. Twenty-fucking-eight dollars for two things you cover your feet with and get smelly. That’s $14 a sock. Not even a “buy a pair get a pair free” type of deal. After calculating what that would buy at the bar as well as how many cases of beer that could be purchased, he moved on.

With the hopes of good food and free booze in our hearts and on our minds, we made our way back to the conference. After the MSN party the night before, I figured the Yahoo! networking event would be pretty good. I also, for some stupid reason, thought they’d have some food. Again, I was wrong. Food was crackers, some fruit (who eats fruit?) and some weird, soft cheeses. Now, I’m not some connoisseur of fancy cheeses and other fancy faire, but there is no way in hell I’m gonna’ eat soft cheese that’s been out for only God knows how long. With that said, I filled up on Pyramid Hefeweizen and some weird0 meats. I so wish we would have passed a Taco Time or Subway or something. Hell, at that point I would have settled for friggin’ McDonalds.

Besides weird food, Yahoo! had purple, light up ice cubes for drinks. Hmmm. I don’t think MSN gave anything away at their party (Wait! They did! Crappy water bottles!), but light up ice cubes? Reminds me of when they’d visit our offices and give us mints and out-of-date Overture products. Nothing says “we value your business!” than saying your breath stinks and you’re not worthy of pens and notepads with our actual company logo on them.

Almost annoying as the ice cubes and location of the party was this one cat we shall call Ronald. Ronald apparently was a local. And very proud of being a part of the SEO community. You know those people who just start talking to you, have the personality of a roll of paper towels and you just can’t shake? That’s our buddy Ronald. The worst part is that he seemed like a nice enough guy. I just wish he would have left us the fuck alone! You know the kind of guy I’m talking about – you probably knew him in high school or in Information Sciences 101. Yeah, that guy.

Thankfully, Yahoo! chased us from the party at seven which meant jP and I had to leave our buddy Ronald. With one party down, we headed to some hotel next door where it’s rumored that it’s the place Led Zepplin had their infamous “fish incident” (yes, that one). It was a small party put on by Marchex. Seemed fine enough; was in a nice hotel with a nice, fat, open bar. And they had food! But it was weird fish stuff. Uggh. I would have killed for a Whopper. Not even with cheese. Just a friggin’ Whopper. Or an Arby’s Melt. Those are so damn good.

Anyways, while jP and I are talking, we hook up with another industry guy (who shall remain anonymous to protect his reputation) who then introduces us to none other than Todd Malicoat. He was a pretty cool guy. After spending half an hour of probably scaring the shit out of him and convincing him the East Coast is a perfectly safe place to be, he bids us adios and heads out the door with some other SEO people who all probably know and love. I’d probably remember who they were if I wasn’t trying to figure out if free-drink time was over.

Our bellies full of nothing but drink, we made our way over to the Google Dance (why in the hell are they still calling it this when the “Google Dance” ended years ago? Did I miss the memo? Hellooooooooo!). On Sunday night, when we registered, we were given two drink tickets for the Google Dance. Two tickets. My first thought was what a bunch of tight asses. Here, MSN and Yahoo! give us open bars and friggin’ Google only gives us two drink tickets?!?!?!?! What the hell! I was wrong.

Google apparently closed the bar at 10:30 pm (after an hour and a half into it). After 10:30, if you wanted booze, you had to use your tickets. Before that, open bar. Also, along with t-shirts and all sorts of pens and other junk, they had glow in the dark cups which some bartenders were happy to fill to the top. Yes, to the top. At this point, Google had redeemed themselves in my eyes.

Though there wasn’t any “real” food, they had the closest thing to edible stuff than any of the other parties. Weirdo chicken pinwheels? Gone. Coconut shrimp? No where in sight. Instead they had candy bars, cookies and some other stuff that my alchohol-addled brain failed to remember. But it was good, though not especially memorable.

Though it was a dance, with a really good DJ to boot, it was amazing that no one was dancing. That was, no one was dancing until jP shook his ass while crossing the floor for one of those amazing cookies. For some reason, after that, the dance floor got much, much busier. I didn’t think he was an especially fabulous dance (read: he dances like a straight, white boy), but apparently it inspired some people to get out on the floor and bust a move or two (read: flop around like epileptic fish out of water). After setting the dance afire, we headed outside for some fresh air, which is damn near impossible due to 1) the smokers and 2) the smell of Seattle. It was out there I got quoted for saying something totally ingorant by Webmaster Radio.

After running out of drink tickets and having made a proper ass out of myself, it was time to stumble home and hopefully, miraculously find some food. As good as chocolate chip cookies and Reese’s peanut butter cups are, they don’t quite provide the nourishment a growing, drunken boy needs. This night (or morning as it turned to be on the march back to the Inn), we swore we wouldn’t stay too late. No last calls at 2:30 am. No final drinks. We were done. But we were hungry.

Again, since it was a Monday (early Tuesday morning), there wasn’t a damn thing open. There was a bar with some really sweet tunes coming from it, but they were done serving. Every restaraunt we came across was closing or closed. Right around the corner from the Inn was some sort of diner that was still open. Fortunately (or not), they served hot food – stuff with protein and grease and bread and other things that feel warm and heavy on your belly. As it turns out, the food smelled better than the service, and the service stunk. But we drank about five pitchers of water, paid and tipped and made our way back around the block to our beds.

This time, instead of the headboard, I cracked my window open with the phone books.

I apologize that it’s taken me so long to put all this down. Now I’m wishing I would have done it all in bullet points.

Anywho, so the next morning I wake up and slowly things start coming back to me. There were these guys at the bar who must of thought jP and me rocked because they clammored around us like groupies to rock stars. Then I look over at my window and sort of recall moving the headboard from the bed to window in order to prop it open. Hmm. But none of this mattered. I was thirsty, smelly and knew I had a “healthy” walk ahead of me. Luckily the water in the shower was already warm.

For someone who only got around three hours of sleep and wasn’t sure if he was still drunk or hungover, I thought I did pretty good. I get to the lobby before jP did and handed in my loaner umbrella. jP kept his for the day – a magenta little number that reached for the sky in the front. The office girl kept the best of the umbrellas back from us – a long handled jobber with a hook. We would’ve been straight up class with that.

Both of us thirsty and starting to feel the fun from just hours before, we make it the conference and attack the breakfast table. Unfortunately, there wasn’t much to attack. The fruit had already been picked through. But there was coffee. Horrible coffee, as it turned. Apparently if you have a conference or a hotel in Seattle you’re obligated to serve nothing but Starbucks. Fucking Starbucks! There is seriously some excellent coffee in the Northwest, and it ain’t from fucking Starbucks. The shit tasted nasty as shit often does (one time when I was real little a girl told me it tasted like spaghetti. I would have been happy if this coffee would have tasted like spaghetti.). Luckily there was bottled water and Cheerios. And not the fakey ones either. Real fucking Cheerios! I figured those and a blueberry bagel would be enough to hopefully sop up some of liquor and beer still sloshing around in my gut.

The first session was something Danny Sullivan and Matt Cutts. In some sort of very staged event, there was this weird exchange of Cutts telling Sullivan to take his clothes off. Sullivan complied. It was pretty good, but my take away from that session (other than the fact they’re horrible actors) for as many people that are happy stick their nose up Matt’s butt on his blog, at a conference there are many more willing to give him hell and bitch at him. I just wish the AC in the room would have been blowing a little cooler. My belly was on fire.

The next session was a real snoozer, something about duplicate content. Reps from Ask, Google, MSN and Yahoo! were there, and they all said the same thing about duplicate content – try not to do it. No shit! Wow, the $1,500 entrance fee is really paying off. My take away from that was Vanessa Fox has an unhealthy obsession with Buffy the Vampire Slayer and has strong following of men. She was also the only person from Google not wearing some sort of Google t-shirt. My head was starting to throb. I shouldn’t of had that last 7 and 7. Damn you, jP.

By now, we’ve finally made it to lunch. THANK GOD. I wasn’t incredibly hungry, but I did need something in my belly and some water. Hydration was becoming necessary at this point. Or a Bloody Mary. The food was pretty decent – a nice roast being carved up (my piece was dry, but I should have requested one of the bloodier pieces to the side) with some really tasty-looking desserts. With SEMPDX’s Searchfest being the only other event I’ve ever been to, which also served a hot buffet, I figured it this was the norm. Wrong. Apparently SES gives out box lunches, and one such box lunch had a green chicken sandwich that induced diarhea.

After getting some food in our bellies, jP and I started through the booths getting all the free junk we could. While there was some cool stuff, not much of it was cooler than the light-up pen that came with the InfoSpace backpacks. There were mp3 player speakers (which didn’t sound all that good), water bottles, pens galore, blinky bouncy balls and lots of junk like that. The only problem with getting anything was having to act interested in what the people at the booth were selling.

The next session was about social media marketing or something. Honestly, it sounded a lot like linkbait stuff. It was pretty good though. Rand Fishkin gave his usual entertaining presentation (I mean that he’s usually entertaining, the presentation was fresh, I think . . . ), Neil Patel made everyone over the age of 22 sound like a geezer, Todd Malicott used the word “hand jobs” in his presentation and Cindy Krum talked about PR (public relations) or brand building or something. Presentations and Q&A was the best part so far today, but man, I needed a nap.

The last presentation was about Personalized Search. Again, it was okay. And Cutts got more hell. It was starting to amaze me. Especially because he still stayed nice. I would have said something along the lines of “Okay, asshole. Let’s see you build a better search engine. Can’t do it, can ya, wanker? You can’t even build a decent site! Shut the hell up.” Perhaps I’ll never get a speaking bit at one of these conferences.

There was something after this, but jP needed socks and I needed to use the bathroom and didn’t want to use the ones at the conference center. And we had to get pretty for the parties.

By now there are probably already literally thousands of blogs that are going on and on about SMX Seattle and how cool/horrible/awesome/disappointing it was. And if you want the valuable information put forth from the presenters, there are a helluva’ lot better places than here to get it.

So instead of doing something that 347 people have already done better, I’m gonna’ give you the least amount of relevant information available. Think of it as navel gazers take on the conference. Please note: I’m essentially a conference virgin. Yeah, you might know these people or know what they’re about, but I don’t. So don’t flick me any shit about this, alright?

Okay, to begin with I had to fly out of my homebase in the middle of nowhere on Sunday. The flight was alright as Pyramid Hefeweizen was being served by the best airline ever (how can you not like free beer and wine?), which turns out to be a theme for the conference. I swear to god I never drank so much Pyramid Hefeweizen in my life. Don’t get me wrong, it was good. But I’m ready for something darker now, which unless you’re drinking Guinness seems down near impossible to find in Seattle. The point is the flight was alright. Except for having to get off in friggin’ Portland just for a quick little 25 minute ride to Portland. C’mon Alaska, get some more flights going out of the LMT.

Anyways, I get to a hotel my amigo, jP, was staying at. Since it was $98 a night, I figured what the hell, I’ll stay there too. Besides, most of the drinking was more than likely going to be done with him. There are nicer hotels in and around downtown Seattle. But the Inn at Queen Anne was cheap. Especially considering the location. But if you should decide to stay there, just be aware you get what you pay for. What did I pay for? Well, the gal asks me do I want to be on the second or third floor. None of them had AC or internet access, so I said “Put me in the most awesome room you have available.” Apparently, the most awesome room available means you get a room with constantly running hot water, windows that only stay open if you shove a phone book under them, a headboard laying in the middle of the bed (which works for keeping windows open as well) and an oven. Yes, my room had an oven and burners, but no friggin’ AC or broadband access. I was wishing I would have had a ham or some spuds to bake for everyone. It would have been great for my own networking party (read: excuse to get drunk with strangers I just met).

As it turns out, the walk from the Inn at Queen Anne to the conference location (at Pier 66 on the water front) is a healthy walk. And by healthy I mean long. Since it’s Sunday night, jP and I head down to the MSN party for what we are hoping is free food and alcohol. We were half right. But God bless Bill Gates and the MSN crew – they weren’t stingy with the drinks. The food was coconut shrimp and a bunch of other weird shit on platters. Needless to say I just drank. At one point I had three drinks hoarded while we were playing MLB 2007 on the Xbox. I would say that was a successful networking event. Met some people, handed out some cards, drank lots of Beefeaters, overall not bad.

It’s the walk back to our rooms is where it gets hairy.

Now, for those of you who have never been to Seattle, the place for some stupid reason is built on a hill. Yeah, you get to look out over the sound and it’s beautiful. But after not eating all day and drinking your dinner, an uphill walk is the last thing you want. So MC and I decide we need some food. But for some damn reason resteraunts aren’t open at 1:30 in the morning on a Monday. With that in mind, we decided our best decision would be to drink some more.

Wasn’t a good decision. Yeah, we met some people and impressed the locals with our ability to be loud and obnoxious. However, that wasn’t the worst of our bad decision making. The worst decision was not getting back to our rooms until after 3 in the morning, knowing we had to get up at a semi-decent hour to walk our hungover asses back to the conference.

On the plus side? I didn’t notice the water running in the tub all night after I fell asleep (read: passed out).